The Power of No

By: Laura Hanson

No means No. Have you ever been told this? Well, the truth is “no” never just means “no.” Wouldn’t you agree there is always so much more meaning attached to it when you are on the receiving end of it?

I was an ambitious and adventurous kid, so I constantly asked for things from my parents. I interpreted “no” as a preparatory command to initiate a proposal of some sort, which was usually me trying to convince my parents I would be on my best behavior and assure them everything would be fine. My dad would give me the “no means no” response when my pleading was unsuccessful. 

I’m unashamed to say that when I was told “no,” I felt powerless and strategically reclaimed my power through fury. Like clockwork, I stomped my feet up all sixteen stairs and down the hall to my room, where I slammed the door and proclaimed, “Life’s not fair!” I won’t lie—it felt good to get my power back, even if it still didn’t get me what I wanted.

A police officer friend of mine brought me back to my youth, when he and I gathered with over a hundred other officers to take a promotional exam. After the last person finished the test, they called us back into the room to give us our results; he didn’t pass. On his way out of the room, in front of everyone, he launched his water bottle against the cinderblock wall and shouted the f-bomb with full fury. 

As you can expect, many judged him as a loose cannon or out-of-control, yet I was reminded exactly why I put so much time and energy into preparing. I knew that same rage still lived within me, and the only difference between him and me was that I wasn’t expressing it because I wasn’t told no; I got what I wanted because I passed my exam.

There were many others who were told they wouldn’t be earning their 5% raise that day, and I heard them say similar things as those who aren’t selected for specialty units or don’t make the cut to advance in rank. Everything was a clear indication that the underlying theme was feeling powerless. Most talked about how the process is outdated, ineffective, and doesn’t reveal true competency or leadership, and others made personal attacks against those who did make it through. 

I’ll tell you a secret: obsessively preparing for exams and interviews worked for me because it limited the number of times that I faced rejection, yet it did nothing to help me improve my reaction to feeling powerless. I was driven by the fact that I didn’t like to be caught off guard or be let down, so I went above and beyond to control the outcome. I was afraid my true, unacceptable colors could shine through if I faced rejection, sort of like they did when I found out my wife was being unfaithful, but I’ll save that story for a later article. 

Getting promoted, earning a raise, or landing a desired position is great for short-term stress relief, yet it does nothing to help us prepare for the unforeseen challenges awaiting us on the horizon in our professional and personal lives. As the uplifted energy from the accomplishment fades away, we quickly reconnect with the anxiety that reminds us that something bad is coming our way. It’s not paranoia; it’s reality for first responders.

Most people mess up because they don’t know how to reclaim their power when they feel powerless. I tell them they don’t need to turn into a control freak micromanager to protect themselves yet ruin their relationships and stomp on morale along the way! For those who have been rejected or denied and want to withdraw into apathy, I refuse to let them ignore their potential. In both instances and hopefully this benefits you, I guide them to focus on what matters. This means giving attention and energy toward developing skillsets, strengthening camaraderie and collaboration, and paving the way for future firefighters to be better prepared and equipped to handle the challenges of the job successfully.

Here’s my quick “No Doesn’t Mean No” strategy to regain your power when faced with something that goes against you, perhaps unexpectedly, without reacting in fury and without bottling it up as toxic waste stirring within you. You’ll notice everything intentionally BUILDS upon the word “no.”

• Now, I look for another way.
• Now, I find or create a different solution.
• Now, I bring others into the situation to help me see other options.
• Now, I take away what I’ve learned and get back at it. 

And remember, true power comes from within; it’s in how you think about your ability to handle difficult situations and circumstances. Maybe you’ve heard it referred to as “confidence,” but I think of it as courage to go forth into the unknown because there is an underlying understanding that no fire, financial situation, process, or other person can ever defeat you.

So the next time you’re faced with a “no”, apply some of this advice as ask yourself the above questions. And create a strategy that doesn’t leave you feeling rage, disappointment and powerless!