Relationship Out of Balance? What it Looks Like & What to Do

By: Relationship Empowerment Coach Geralyn St Joseph www.RelationshipcoachGSJ.com 

All relationships suffer from resentment at some point. What causes resentment in long-term relationships? Does it have to happen? Is it inevitable? The cause of resentment is often the perception of an unbalanced relationship. It’s not the ONLY cause, but it is a primary issue. 

For instance: Do you feel your partner is doing enough in your relationship? Are you? What does that even look like? And if one of you feels like you are doing all the work, how do you discern if that’s true? How do you come back into balance?

The simple answer is to maintain clear, consistent communication with your partner while maintaining closeness. 

We often enter into relationships of all kinds with certain expectations. The issue arises when we do not share those expectations. I call this the glass-head effect. We assume that our partner knows what we want and expect without ever letting them know explicitly. They are supposed to read our minds and vice versa. Assumption is the kryptonite of good relationships.

It is imperative to maintain clear communication—clear being the keyword. Clear communication involves deep discussion, where both parties are encouraged to ask and honestly respond. Active listening, genuine curiosity, and being receptive instead of reactive are vital elements in clear communication. 

• Active listening means hearing what is being said without formulating our response. We should give ourselves a moment to digest what is said before continuing the conversation.
• Genuine curiosity means asking questions without judgment, listening to the response fully, and trying to understand the other person’s point of view. 
• Receptive vs. reactive means being open to understanding and finding common ground rather than simply reacting to what you think you hear. 

What are the warning signs of imbalance? 

• Insecurity: This can be a symptom. I say “can be” because some are inherently insecure. That aside, if you are not confident in your partner’s commitment, it can create an imbalance in your relationship. This insecurity can lead to one person chasing the other and perpetually trying to win them over. Or, worse yet, shutting down emotionally and pulling back from intimacy. 

• Avoiding Communication: When open, honest communication is deflected, you can be sure there is something askew. Why is communication being avoided? Telling a person that you are too tired and don’t have the bandwidth to have that discussion should be used sparingly. You can ask to table it until you have slept because you want to give them your full attention. Make sure you follow up! Have the conversation. 
• Feeling Drained: Feeling drained after spending time with your partner is a warning sign. Is it difficult to be with them? Do you feel emotionally and/or mentally exhausted after hanging out with them? What is causing this feeling? Do you find yourself dodging specific conversations or appeasing your partner just to avoid a difficult talk or argument? Do you feel unsatisfied? 

We need to be aware that every relationship is different. Being first responders makes finding balance in our relationships more challenging. It is difficult to set a reliable schedule with friends, family, and partners – especially when we are on-call or have had stressful cases. It is often nearly impossible to split the chores down the middle. As such, first responders need to communicate even more. We must be very clear with our loved ones about what we can offer and what expectations may be unreasonable. Also, we need to discover other ways to support our partners/family members. 

A good first step is to discern our love language and the love language of those with whom we are in a relationship. Gary Chapman proposed the 5 Love Languages concept in his 1992 book of the same name. This list is not a definitive answer, but is a good start. We tend to have more than one love language, although many people have a dominant way of expressing and feeling love. 

The idea behind love languages is to become aware of what makes us feel loved and what makes others feel loved. 

The languages are simple:

1. Words of Affirmation – Spell it out! 
2. Quality Time – Put your phone down and focus on me!
3. Physical Touch – Hugs, hand-holding, affection
4. Acts of Service – Take care of me, Lighten my load!
5. Gifts – Show you listened by giving me gifts you know I’ll like.

The key is to attend to the person using their dominant love language. Many people go wrong in a relationship by expressing their love to their partner in the way they wish to receive it. This is only effective when both parties have the same dominant language. 

Using our knowledge of love languages effectively can create a sense of balance in a relationship because both parties have their needs met. Because it is more difficult for first responders to give tit for tat in a relationship, knowing the other parties’ love language can be the difference between a truly fulfilling relationship and a sense of deep disappointment. 

In short, imbalance in a relationship looks like disappointment, lack of communication, and insecurity. Knowing the love languages involved in your relationships allows you to make up for the things you may fall short on in a way that promotes the relationship’s well-being. Clear Communication makes the difference. You can only act on what you know. 

Here are some examples of actions for each love language:

Words of affirmation – leave little notes expressing your feelings, words of encouragement, etc. Do the same throughout the day with short texts. 

Quality time – This one can be tough with a first responder’s schedule. Take time off to do something special. Planning this vacation, date or playtime helps to alleviate the lack of time you have together. When you are together, put down the phone! Engage with one another rather than parallel play. 

Physical touch – This refers to all kinds of affectionate touch. It does not need to lead to intercourse. Hugging, holding hands, [romantic] kissing upon seeing each other and leaving. Make time for intercourse if it is a romantic relationship. So often, that is the first thing lost over time. Physical intimacy is important in a healthy, long-term romantic relationship.

Acts of service – Simple things like picking up dinner on the way home from work can satisfy this love language—folding clothes, getting the car serviced, and taking on whatever additional duties you can. The idea is to make things easier. 

Gifts – Giving little spontaneous gifts just because is the way to this heart. Be sure you are keeping them in mind when you get the gifts. It doesn’t count if it is something they don’t like or appreciate.

Videos from Relationship Empowerment Coach Geralyn St Joseph for deeper exploration:

Importance of Clear Communication ~ https://youtu.be/rRB2g8RfNuI

Power in Curiosity ~ https://youtu.be/DBeb-mHLarA