The List Myth: A Misguided Approach to Finding Love

Knowing what a healthy relationship feels like is more important than most people know

By Geralyn St Joseph 

Anyone who has been in the relationship sphere will know about “The List.” This is a list you create of what you want and need in a partner. The creation of The List is meant to help you recognize a suitable partner when you find one. 

Why do I call it The List Myth? I call it a myth because most people do The List incorrectly. They dream up their perfect partner and believe there is someone who fits this list perfectly. 

Creating The List is supposed to help you discern the qualities of a good partner. However, too many people use this as a magical recipe for the perfect partner. Pulling characteristics from books and movies where the long-term consequences of poor choices are negated is not a good way to create your list.  

They reject anyone who doesn’t fit perfectly. OR they see a partner has one or two of the desirable qualities, and simply assume the person is the total package. 

The List as a Guideline, Not a Rulebook

The List is meant to be a good guideline for partnership. You may meet someone who doesn’t fit your list, but exhibits wonderful qualities you may not have thought of. 

We often create our lists based on experience, whether that is positive or negative. Simply following the list will then exclude some good choices due to ignorance. In this way, The List can be an impediment rather than an aid. 

Creating your list can be a helpful process when done properly. Sitting down and really considering what you want and NEED in your life can help you avoid unhealthy relationships. Reviewing what worked, and what didn’t, honestly and objectively, is paramount to creating an authentic list. 

I help my clients craft a list of healthy characteristics to look for in a partner. We rate each characteristic in a hierarchy of needs. We look at needs versus wants, and create an image of what a good relationship looks and feels like. 

The Feeling Factor

Knowing what a healthy relationship feels like is more important than most people know. In fact, many people don’t even consider this as an important factor. Many of us don’t know what to expect, and what the media tells us is deceiving. 

I’ve written previously about passion in a relationship, and whether that is something we should be aiming for. Many people think it is. To have strong passion in a relationship is fine in the beginning of a courtship, but things tend to cool as you become more secure and comfortable.  

The truth is, you need to allow each other to reveal who each of you are. The List is a way to understand your needs and boundaries, or at least, what your boundaries need to be. It is created to help you envision an appropriate, healthy relationship. Unfortunately, many people use it like a weapon to strike down anyone not meeting these specific standards. 

Using The List Wisely

If you choose to develop a list of your own, please be cognizant of your goal – a healthy relationship. Learn what a healthy relationship looks like and feels like. 

You may want some guidance as you explore your wants and needs. You may want to speak with friends and loved ones, or maybe a professional who can help you to look at things with a more objective view without any predispositions about who you are. 

Good luck in your quest for that special relationship! Even if you feel you are not ready to engage in a relationship, you may still want to lay the groundwork. It’s never too early or too late for love. 

Geralyn St Joseph is a relationship empowerment coach who has helped people find their best selves and discover their most fulfilling relationships. She coaches individuals, couples and families. Her style of coaching is direct and nurturing. If you are interested in discovering more, visit Geralyn’s website or e-mail her at [email protected].