How Asking for Help is a Powerful Move

By Laura Hanson

I was bouncing some ideas off my firefighter friend for an article, and I thanked him at the end of our conversation. He responded, “Always glad to help,” and that turned out to be the spark of inspiration I needed.

When I hear this from someone who dedicates their life to service, I take their word for it. I know my friend meant what he said, and if I call on him again, he will happily help me however he can. I’m willing to assume you would do the same. 

I assume that because I bet you are someone who stands for what you believe in and wants to be seen as someone with integrity. This is where it gets real: Really good, or, really uncomfortable because I’m going to check you on that. 

To be seen as someone with integrity, there must be congruence in your beliefs and your actions, because if there isn’t, then something seems off to everyone who knows you. The easy way out is to say, “do as I say, not as I do,” but I know you’re a better leader than that. You also know that, more than likely, people will emulate your behavior even if you tell them not to do that.

It’s hard, I know. If I don’t hold myself to this same standard, then my message would lose its value. I’m a coach, which means my integrity is defined by my willingness to get uncomfortable and risk offending people. It’s my job to point out flawed behavior so it’s possible to make necessary changes, because if I don’t, then it’s both neglectful and counterproductive. It would be much easier and more comfortable for me to jot down some bullet points and send you on your way, but I know you came here to learn how to be better, so let’s do it.

Helpers’ Personality Traits

Let’s take a closer look at the phrase “always glad to help.” Behind that is a person who takes pride in being able to serve and help others. If you say this, then:

• You’re supporting the notion that people should reach out and ask for help when they need it
• You’re demonstrating you value teamwork and building relationships by your willingness to do something that benefits another 
• You’re receiving the benefit of positive emotions when you know you were able to help someone, and that they called on you

Here’s the integrity check: The incongruence is when you have a belief that others should ask for your help when they need it, but you shouldn’t ask for help when you need it. In which case, the real belief you have and are acting on is, “I can handle everything, and all problems are mine to resolve.”

I need your full focus for this next sentence: It is a GOOD thing you have this belief because you need it to be a successful, competent, and courageous firefighter. Your job demands that you search for and identify problems to solve, and then take action. When you do “pass the buck” it’s to someone you are confident is up for the task because they’ve gone through similar training and demonstrated proficiency. 

It’s an entirely different ball game when you’re off the clock, and you’re with your untrained friends and family members. It’s no wonder you take control when their jobs don’t even compare to yours when it comes to problem-solving or working in stressful conditions.  

Letting Go of the Need for Control

Over time, your family and friends believe you need to be in control, so they become disempowered, stop thinking for themselves, and stop trying to come up with solutions.

Even if you never told them, “I need to be in charge” or “I am in charge,” they still came to that conclusion from being around you. Chances are, their passive behavior frustrates you because you wish they would take more initiative, not be lazy, and be more confident. 

If this is you, it’s OK, because there’s always room for improvement when you’re willing to change, and there’s one simple action I have for you:

• Ask for help more often 

Yep. Even when you don’t NEED it, ask. When you ask for help, by requesting someone pitch in their ideas or do something for you, you’re empowering them. The gesture communicates to the other person you don’t NEED to be in charge (which is a powerful word, I might add).

The benefits are:

• Your loved ones become more confident, capable, and self-sufficient*
• You’re less overloaded with work every waking hour of the day
• It removes the shock value of you asking for help when it’s something you actually need 

*Some people feel they must be “needed” by their family and therefore don’t want them to be self-sufficient. In truth, family members feel much more supported and valued when they are empowered versus disempowered. Compare this to having a boss that micromanages you versus one who gives you freedom and autonomy. 

The objective is not to get rid of this belief, “I can handle everything, and all problems are mine to resolve.” Instead, it’s to understand there are conditional circumstances in which that belief is true and beneficial to you, namely when lives are on the line, and you need to make a decision. Outside those circumstances, let the meaning of “asking for help” be transformed into an opportunity to collaborate and build relationships.

Remember, advancements aren’t strictly for your career, they’re also for your overall life. Start levelling yourself up this week by creating consistency in what it means to ask for help. Apply this at work with your peers, subordinates, and superiors, and at home with your loved ones. 

For a personalized approach to your specific life circumstances and relationships, reach out via email at [email protected].