After 30 years in the New Hampshire Fire and Emergency Medical Services, I made the decision to retire. Being over 60, I felt it was time to slow my pace, work fewer hours and spend more time with family; especially our grandchildren.
I was fortunate to break a couple of glass ceilings over my career, retiring as the first female career chief in N.H. and the first female state fire training director. I enjoyed a variety of positions over my career but truly the most rewarding was my volunteer work on the Granite State CISM Team and the N.H. Lakes Region CISM/Peer Team. I consider this my “soul” work.
I was first trained through the ICISF in assisting groups and individuals in crisis back in 1999, before it was “cool” or even talked about much. Thankfully, over the years, our teams are now in high demand and we have become more proficient in assisting and supporting individual peers.
Stepping Into the Unknown
My story is truly a lesson in “practice what you preach.” Over the years, like every active responder, I was exposed to many traumas. I can’t count the number of cardiac arrests, fatal motor vehicle collisions, a few fatal fires, drownings, sudden infant death incidents, suicides, and tragically, a few LODD that were close to me.
Like a well-trained responder, I put my heart and soul into each call and put myself back in service, many times before I was ready. I neatly packaged and tucked away that double-fatal accident, that toddler drowning and that 15-year-old hanging, along with many others and told myself I’ll deal with that later; I’m too busy, I need to be there for others.
Well “later” came when I took off my uniform for the last time, packed away my gear and prepared for “retirement life.” I wasn’t ready for the ghosts of my career to visit me so suddenly. I wasn’t prepared for the loss of identity and loss of self-worth and purpose. I quickly fell into a depression that I didn’t recognize for weeks.
The Weight Emerges
My mood soured, I was quick to anger, and I just wanted to be by myself more than usual. I thought my sleep would be so much better after retirement, but I often woke at all hours of the night and couldn’t calm my thoughts. I couldn’t make decisions on what to do with my new “free” time. I was feeling miserable most days and I felt like I was slowly sinking.
After my mandatory 30 days of no work, per N.H. retirement rules, I started back working part time at the Fire and EMS Academy in the newly created position of mental health and wellness coordinator. I was given the gift of building this position from the ground up and creating a place where responders and non-sworn employees could have their questions answered and behavioral health needs met. A place where there was always a shoulder to lean on and culturally competent resources could be shared. I soon learned of the tremendous weight of this assignment for one, part-time person, and began to feel more like a failure.
It was about this time, that I sought out a local mental health counselor to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings. After only a couple of months it became clear that for decades, I was so focused outward and had such a strong need to be there for others, that I neglected my own mental health and well-being. I thought by burying my trauma so neatly behind my “wonder woman,” strong firefighter persona, that I was doing myself a favor by not letting certain incidents linger in my soul or in my heart.
Learning to Heal After a Lifetime of Helping Others
The hardest part of this journey was learning that I needed self-compassion, understanding, someone to talk to and yes, lean on at times. Our teams are very good at debriefing the debriefers after working through a critical incident with a group of responders. I just didn’t recognize, or perhaps didn’t want to admit, that I’m every bit as human as the responders and peers I dedicated most of my career to supporting.
It was several months after “semi” retirement, that I began working on my own healing through professional help, journaling, writing poetry and spending lots of time in my favorite mountains, hiking the 4,000 footers. As a peer counselor, debriefer and educator, I’m busier than ever and continue to love the work I do. I’m proud of my fire and EMS career, but humbled by the responders who have put their trust in me over the years. After a bit of work and self-reflection, I can truly say that retirement, along with some part-time hours doing my soul work, truly can be the “golden years.”
