If your automatic ‘yes’ is leaving you overwhelmed, exhausted, and resentful, it may be time to challenge the beliefs behind your people-pleasing – and start honoring what you truly need
This article originally appeared in the Jan-Apr 2022 issue. View the full issue here.
You’re the “go-to” person everyone calls on for help … you put out fires … you’re the first to the scene of an accident … and you’re always on hand to help a buddy move house. Right?!
You’ve learned that saying “yes” and being of service is a good thing. You’ve been rewarded for it your whole life, been hired, promoted, and celebrated for it. Saying ”yes” has had a massive positive impact on you and your life.
It’s also why you may be struggling.
Although saying yes can feel good when you help someone in need, it can also have consequences. It prioritizes everyone else, and that’s a problem. By putting everyone else first, you can forget to take care of yourself. Important aspects of your life can begin to suffer, from your health to your relationships, your finances, and more. Then you begin to feel resentful because you’re unhappy and no one is taking care of you. You may even feel that you’ve lost your way, as if you’re in a forest without a compass.
It’s time to recalibrate your internal compass so you’ll know intuitively what’s right for you and what’s not. Start by questioning the central belief that’s no longer serving you. Ask yourself, “Is saying yes to everyone still serving me?”
As a life fulfilment coach, I help people question and overcome the beliefs that no longer serve them so they can make shifts to lead happier and more successful lives. I’ve experienced the effects of holding onto old, outdated beliefs and have strategies for challenging and changing the beliefs that are keeping us stuck in our lives.
Understanding the Origin of the Say-Yes Belief
Let’s look at your history. When and why did you adopt the belief that you always had to say yes?
From the moment we’re born, we’re absorbing and learning from our parents, the environment, and culture, as well as from the experiences we have along the way. Those experiences shape the way we see life. I refer to this collection of beliefs as “The Lens of Life.”
Imagine a contact lens. When it’s held away from your eye, you can see its color, distortion and thickness. When the lens is on your eye, however, it becomes a part of you, and you’re no longer aware of it. That lens determines the way you see life. You make decisions and judgments, distinguish right from wrong, and form opinions – all through this lens. What complicates your point of view is that you are also learning about life from other people whose life lenses have shaped, colored and been distorted by their own fears, worries, and experiences. You then accept these as ”adopted beliefs.”
The Hidden Impact of Adopted Beliefs
Many of these adopted beliefs are designed to keep us safe, to help us fit in and be accepted by our community. Not all of them, however, will serve us forever. Because we’re human, we’ll evolve and change so our beliefs may need to do the same to support us over time.
You also have a set of true authentic beliefs that lie beneath the surface. The challenge is knowing how to differentiate between your authentic beliefs and your adopted beliefs when they are layered one on top of the other.
You might recall saying “no” to your parents when you were a young child. It’s likely you were either punished or told “no” wasn’t an acceptable answer. With enough reinforcement of this message, you began to believe saying “no” was bad or wrong. So in order to remain safe/loved/rewarded/recognized, you began to believe you had to say “yes” whenever you were asked to help. You then carried that belief throughout your life, even if you didn’t want to say yes, because you’d learned it was the “right thing to do.”
Although this belief (and countless others) were instilled to help us, to keep us safe and to ensure we would be accepted culturally, at some point in our lives some of these beliefs need to be challenged. We need to ask ourselves: does this belief still serve me?
Are Your Beliefs Still Serving You?
You’ll know if those beliefs still serve you by checking in with your internal compass for instant feedback in the form of emotional cues. When you are in alignment with your authentic beliefs, you’ll feel positive emotional responses such as joy, excitement, or anticipation. If you’re going against your authentic beliefs, you’ll feel negative emotions, such as frustration, guilt or fear of judgment. It’s that simple. If it feels good – Go! If it feels bad – Stop and adjust.
The problem is, some of our old beliefs make us feel we don’t have a choice.
Let me give you an example from my past where I said yes, when I really wanted to say no.
A few years ago, my parents came to visit me and my very pregnant wife for a couple of weeks over Christmas. When my brother heard my parents were visiting, he asked if he could stay with us, as well, to maximize his time with them – even though he only lived about 20 minutes away. (Side note: my brother is a wonderful person, but we are very different people, and can rub each other the wrong way.)
I said yes out of obligation – adopted belief – but knew in my gut I should have said no – authentic belief – or at least set a time limit for the stay. What I felt were immediate waves of negative emotion that included: irritation, regret, guilt, worry and anxiety before, during and after the visit. It was the source of a lot of internal stress and caused me to argue with my wife. This example shows what happens when you put the needs of others before your own by “doing the right thing” and how it can negatively impact you and those around you.
How to Say Yes with Intention
Now that we’ve considered the origin of your beliefs, how they can get in your way, and how you can determine whether or not you’re in alignment with them by using your internal compass, I’d like to share a practical process. My goal is to help you to begin building some awareness around your say-yes beliefs to help you shift in a direction that will serve you better.
The next time you’re asked for help, try these strategies:
1. Don’t respond right away
Say you’ll need to check your schedule to make sure you don’t have any conflicts and that you’ll get back to them soon. This will give you an opportunity to slow down and do the analysis.
2. Notice your yes-reflex
Did you feel the pull to say yes before you consider how you or others will be impacted? (This may be an indication that you have the say-yes belief)
3. Analyze why you’re saying yes
Is it out of obligation/guilt/peer pressure/fear of judgment or out of a genuine eagerness to be of service? There’s no right or wrong response. It’s all about becoming aware of how you typically respond and why.
*4.***.**Ask yourself: Do I really want to help?
If so, what will be the consequences of saying yes? Think ahead to determine how you’ll feel later tonight or tomorrow. How will this impact you, your energy, your “you time” and your family time?
5. Follow your internal compass
Take note of how you’re feeling about this request. Your feelings are your biggest indicator of whether you’re going with or against your authentic beliefs.
6. Reflect on this latest request
Take some time to journal about this situation and answer some questions about your experience, so that you can learn, grow and apply what you’ve gained to future requests. Ask: What did I learn about myself? Did I follow my compass? What beliefs do I have that need to be challenged? What worked well for me? What didn’t work well for me? What might I do next time to set myself up for success?
Becoming aware of your authentic beliefs and staying true to them won’t create an overnight transformation. It takes time to notice signs in the moment and to honor yourself and your emerging beliefs. Take it easy as you learn to prioritize yourself and don’t feel that you have to say no to every request.
My hope is you’ll start becoming aware of why and how often you say yes and how that affects you long term. What this analysis will do is allow you to pull that contact lens away from your eye so you can decide which beliefs need to be challenged so you can start to reinforce those that will better serve you in future.
This article originally appeared within the Jan–Apr 2022 issue. View the full issue here, or browse all back issues in theCRACKYL Library.
