This article originally appeared in the Spring 2021 issue. View the full issue here.
You don’t have to be a biblical scholar to know that when the four horsemen of the apocalypse show up, you’re in deep trouble. Technically, according to the Book of Revelation, the four figures symbolize the beginning of the end of the world.
We’re told we need to keep our eyes peeled for a rider on a white horse who represents conquest, a red horse who heralds the coming of war, a black horse who foretells famine, and a white horse whose rider announces the arrival of a plague. These are definitely four guys we’d rather not have arrive, but at least we’ll know what’s coming if we see them on the horizon.
What if there were four horsemen of the apocalypse for relationships? Could being able to identify really serious conflicts enable us to deal with them as soon as they arise, saving both you and your partnership?
Maybe.
Marriage counsellors agree that there are four patterns of behavior that can signal the death knell for a relationship if allowed to go unchecked. The deadly four include: criticism; defensiveness; contempt; and stonewalling.
Have a read and see if any alarm bells start to ring.
Criticism. This doesn’t refer to criticism in the usual sense, such as: you could have done a better job cleaning up the kitchen. That’s a complaint. Criticism suggests that there is something globally wrong with your partner – an unchanging part of his or her character. Truly critical comments always elicit defensiveness, because they’re an attack on someone’s very character, and on who they are.
Beware: a complaint can easily transform into a criticism. For example:
You’ve been home for an hour, and you haven’t once asked me about how my day was. What’s wrong with you? What kind of a self-centered jerk are you?
The first sentence is a complaint. It’s a legitimate observation that the other person can do something about. They can apologize for the oversight and ask how the day was. The next two statements are criticisms, and the recipient has no way out but to become defensive and angry. Often a criticism begins with you always … or you never …
Defensiveness. Reacting defensively, usually by countering one complaint with another, only escalates nasty situations. Often people react defensively in the heat of the moment and later regret what they’ve said. Taking a moment to allow the raw emotion to pass can allow the higher brain functions to kick in enabling us to respond in a more constructive way – but anger often prevents this important step.
Contempt. Making any statement or displaying behavior designed to put you on a higher plane than your spouse is a clear sign of danger. If you mock your partner by repeating what he or she says in a high-pitched derogatory manner, or if you make contemptuous facial expressions, roll your eyes, belittle or poke fun at the other person – particularly in front of others – you could be doing serious relationship damage.
Stonewalling. If you or your partner withdraw from an interaction and give none of the usual cues that signal that you’re listening and involved, you’re in dangerous territory. People who are stonewalling look away or and make it clear that they aren’t paying attention. They may cast quick glances at others as if to say is he/she still at it?, simply walk away, or hang up the phone in mid-conversation.
The four horsemen of a relationship apocalypse tend to come in sequence, starting with criticism but the worst of the lot is contempt. Contempt is just toxic and can even border on abusive behavior. In general, we all hate being mocked, and – this is key – we don’t mock the people we love or respect. Contempt almost never occurs in stable, happy marriages, and it is the single most reliable predictor of divorce. If you see a horseman bringing continuous contempt into your relationship, the end could be imminent.
The other three horsemen may appear from time to time, even in stable, happy marriages, but the important difference is that the damage they do can be more easily and quickly repaired. Commenting on the communication itself, responding with kind words to diffuse the situation, or softening complaints by expressing appreciation for each other can all help.
If repair attempts aren’t effective and the situation escalates, professional help may be needed to send the four horsemen on their way. What’s vital is recognizing that their appearance in your relationship is a signal that things need to change before the end days arrive.
This article originally appeared within the Spring 2021 issue. View the full issue here, or browse all back issues in the CRACKYL Library.
