Carrying the heart of a first responder
The words hit like a ton of bricks: a loved one has taken their own life. The pain is real, everlasting, and uniquely different from losing someone to a disease or accident. As tragic as those losses are, there is at least some explanation of how they happened. For first responder families surviving a suicide loss, however, they may spend the rest of their lives searching for answers they may never find.
This author, founder of Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance (FBHA), believes first responders often become experts at hiding their pain. Many of the voices that have gone silent may never have shared the depth of their suffering. As a result, families, coworkers, and friends are left asking, “Why?” or “What did we miss?” These unanswered questions can lead to overwhelming emotions including anger, depression, guilt, confusion, and uncertainty about the relationships they once shared. Such emotional wounds can contribute not only to post-traumatic stress, but also to moral injury.
FBHA has conducted extensive research into moral injury, including our work on the white paper, Wounds of the Spirit: Moral Injury in the Fire Service.
One major component of moral injury is the feeling of betrayal or rejection. Many families have expressed these emotions, particularly the sense of betrayal after their loved one left them emotionally scarred and financially burdened with raising children alone.
FBHA has also observed what can become a “triple loss” for surviving families. First, they lose their loved one to suicide. Second, over time, fire or EMS organizations may unintentionally lose contact with the family. Families once welcomed to station parties, holiday gatherings, and department events can slowly fade into memory. Third, friends and acquaintances often drift away because they simply do not know what to say or how to help.
Many families have told FBHA that the support following the death was overwhelming — until after the funeral. Then the phone calls stopped. The visits became rare. The silence became deafening.
What Can Organizations Do?
Just as fire training occurs regularly — much of it mandatory — organizations should proactively provide annual behavioral health education for first responder families.
One effective approach is hosting family nights before an academy begins. Invite spouses, partners, and family members to learn about the behavioral health challenges they and their loved ones may face throughout a long career in public safety.
Departments can also host annual family events that include clinicians, chaplains, financial planners, retirement specialists, and guest speakers focused on behavioral health. Adding food, activities, and entertainment for children helps create an inviting and supportive environment.
As the behavioral health administrator for a large city in Nevada, several initiatives were implemented successfully. One included inviting spouses to become members of the peer support team. They completed the required training and confidentiality agreements alongside department personnel.
Another important development was the creation of a QR code containing behavioral health resources available to both members and their families. This allowed individuals to confidentially connect with peer support members, chaplains, or clinicians from the privacy of their homes. Department data later showed a steady increase in clinician utilization among members.
Departments should also consider creating a long-term survivor support committee dedicated to maintaining contact with families after a loss — if the family wishes to remain connected to the department. Participation should always remain the family’s choice.
This committee can help families stay involved in department events such as holiday celebrations, promotions, births, retirements, and memorial services. Remaining connected helps preserve the bond and honors the years their loved one served.
Another meaningful way to honor a fallen member is through a scholarship program established in their name, allowing surviving family members to participate in the application and selection process.
What Families Say Helps Most
In speaking with survivors, many shared the following suggestions:
- Just be there. Sometimes words are unnecessary
- Don’t ask, “What can we do?” Simply take action — mow the lawn, bring dinner, or help with household chores
- Never say, “I understand,” unless you truly have lived through a similar loss
- Avoid using the word “trigger.” Many survivors found their loved one after a firearm-related death. Consider using words such as “catalyst” instead
- Help families connect with support groups specifically for first responder survivors of suicide loss. FBHA assists in connecting families and hosts an annual retreat weekend for survivors
Many surviving families also want opportunities to speak with firefighters, EMS personnel, and dispatchers within the department. They hope to provide insight into how and why their loved one struggled. For many, sharing their story becomes part of the healing process while also helping others better understand behavioral health and its impact on families.
Because behind every badge is a family carrying the weight of service — and sometimes, the pain of unimaginable loss.
