Years of intrusive thoughts, trauma, and mistaken diagnoses led to an unexpected answer, and a renewed hope for healing
I thought about killing myself. I know, a heavy way to start this. I wasn’t sure how I would (hypothetically), but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The thoughts would go away for awhile, and then they came back for months at a time. The constant back and forth was awful.The first time was at 14. Then again (heavily and abruptly) at 21. And again at 32. I knew deep down that I didn’t want to do this, and I thank God every day for the life I have grown to understand. But that didn’t answer the question of “why” at the moment. If you have experienced the same battle, you’re not alone.
My story began when I was little. Just like a majority of (if not all) people, I had a couple of events occur that some could label traumatic. Combine that with a genetic predisposition to mental illness and you have a recipe for complicated times. I had anxiety for as long as I could remember. That was diagnosed but I was never medicated or treated for it outside of a few sessions of talk therapy. I also used to show tendencies of various repetitive behaviors. The term “OCD” was thrown around by my family, but I never recall a conversation more than that, nor did we know the harm it could do when untreated.
Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) presents itself in different ways. When most people hear the term, they probably think of compulsive lock checks, hand washing a certain number of times, or only using even volume numbers when turning up the TV. Rumination is a very common and less (widely) understood symptom in the public eye. Folks with OCD can do this A LOT. Weeks or months at a time is not uncommon. This search for satisfaction or certainty will cover any number of topics, or as some therapists may call it; themes. Religion, existential questions, health, trauma, and yes, sometimes suicide. Everyone is different so it depends on their experience.
I have had many themes. Two of my more prevalent ones were trauma and suicide. When it started, it was scary but easy to ignore or “push down.” As time went on, it got more difficult to battle. That’s the problem with obsessive compulsive thoughts. Obsession seems like normal thinking. In fact, it feels like you’re making things better by thinking about it non-stop. So you start obsessing about the thoughts. But you can’t easily turn the switch off once you start obsessing. Your brain is going non-stop, flooding your system with a fight-or-flight response because, in my case, the suicidal thoughts felt so real and scary. Then, in the background of these thoughts, you’re heading in for your shift or tour.
When Intrusive Thoughts Take Over
We have obviously picked a job full of trauma. When we compound trauma in adulthood on top of trauma from childhood or with an underlying mental illness, it creates a recipe for disaster if we don’t know how to handle it. What happens to the firefighter who is going to work and experiencing lack of sleep, trauma exposure, and varied cortisol levels when they already have an underlying mental health diagnosis? Can it look like PTSD or major depression when it really isn’t? That is what happened to me.
At the beginning I mentioned I was thinking about killing myself. One of the scariest nights that this occurred happened on shift. I was on the truck when I was battling this cascade of thoughts; trying to fix or correct the thoughts by “thinking about it” or “ruminating.” While this is happening, we’re running a string of calls. Something snapped. The thoughts turned from me figuring out “why” to misinterpreting them as a possibility or a reality. I was anxious, nauseous, and panicking, all while trying to appear calm. I went to my officer at midnight and told him I was sick and needed to go home. He didn’t ask too much and I didn’t let on as to what was really happening. I drove home shaking and in tears all while terrified that I might drive my car into oncoming traffic or go home and kill myself. But I knew deep down that I didn’t want to do this.
I sought treatment despite my fear of stigma. I checked myself into a mental health hospital twice over 10 years for similar incidents because I quit trusting myself. Same story happened each time: Hospital stay, released with SSRIs and benzos, follow up with talk therapy and uncaring psychiatrists. When I talked about work, PTSD and secondary trauma were terms thrown around, along with startled looks from therapists when I told stories from work. I was ultimately told I had secondary trauma along with major depressive disorder. This didn’t seem correct and despite the medication, talk therapy, and diagnosis, I wasn’t getting much better.
Searching for the Right Diagnosis
After my last bout at age 32, my new therapist told me he thought I may have OCD. That was the first step towards a better understanding, but I still wasn’t sure. At the behest of my wife, and a need to feel better, I started ketamine therapy. It was a great experience with a good staff at the clinic, but there was little follow up or guidance before and after the treatment. I was feeling better, but something was still off. That’s when I met Penny.
Two of my friends and coworkers had recommended an EMDR and trauma specialist named Penny Monetti, who saved their life. I was starting to spiral again so I decided to give her a try. It was there I was told I most likely didn’t have major depressive disorder nor secondary trauma. Through EMDR therapy, and a combined ketamine-EMDR session, I made major breakthroughs that I never imagined possible.
After multiple intensive sessions, I was told I did indeed have OCD and anxiety, and that the symptoms often mirror or look like depression or PTSD. I did have some traumatic memories that needed addressing, but I never had secondary trauma or PTSD. In fact, for the most part, I actually processed “bad calls” relatively well. I was like a record that kept skipping on the same traumatic memories through rumination. That was a wild, and comforting, revelation. That is when everything started to click and I finally felt heard and seen.
If you stayed this long into my story, I thank you. I wish I could have taken the 21-year-old me aside and said, “Look dude, it’s future you. You aren’t depressed nor do you want to kill yourself. You don’t have PTSD. You are obsessing over these traumatic experiences and the thought that you could be capable of killing yourself.”
Finding Clarity, and the Right Treatment
But that isn’t what happened. This story is so much more than this. There is a saying: Hurt people hurt people. I also believe that hurt people want to help people. We are in fire and EMS to help people. I hope this story helps someone. If this sounds like something you are going through, please know it happens and you should find a solid therapist for help. I highly recommend a trauma specialist who is familiar with EMDR and ketamine assisted therapy. These treatments have done wonders with those struggling with OCD.
We talk a lot about mental health in this job, which is great. Too often we miss the early signs of other mental illnesses or trauma from our personal lives and it gets lumped into job fatigue, stress, or PTSD. Go get help, find a good therapist, and know that we are in this together.
*Starting as a junior firefighter in 2002, Matt Soer has worked in various types of fire and EMS agencies during his career. He is currently the Division Chief of Training and Safety for a municipal fire department in Missouri, as well as an instructor for Central Missouri Training Specialists. Matt has a passion for education and mental wellness for the emergency services. *
