The physical struggle was undoubtedly challenging. My body was doing its thing — my pelvis felt like it was being pried apart, my uniforms stopped fitting somewhere between “uncomfortable” and “not happening,” and I slowly traded boots for sneakers — but physically, I managed. Light duty wasn’t challenging because of the work — it was challenging because it forced me to confront who I identified as and the roles I played in the firehouse. I had spent years building my identity on being capable, reliable, and on the line, and suddenly I was behind a desk, watching instead of doing.

I expected light duty to rip me from my comfort zone in my group, as a firefighter/EMT, and a part of my department. And it might’ve felt that way initially, but it didn’t pull me away from the job — it helped me understand and helped me grow in it. I wasn’t just stepping off the line; I was stepping into a different kind of contribution, one rooted in perspective, leadership, and purpose.

The Physical Realities

The average set of gear weighs about 45-75 lbs. Average weight gain during pregnancy is an additional 25-35 lbs (I gained over 60 lbs!) I am strong. I know I can carry and move that kind of weight. Even though I felt capable, my body was operating under a completely different system:

  • Blood volume increases by ~40–50% during pregnancy, which causes increased cardiovascular strain
  • Center of mass shifts significantly, so balance, in or out of gear, is iffy at best
  • Joint laxity increases due to relaxin, which increases injury risk under load
  • Core pressure management becomes compromised, so lifting mechanics change (Coning?! Look it up. What a crazy visualization of core pressure!)

I will say it again, every body and every pregnancy is different. I was very lucky to have what I’d consider an easy pregnancy. Still, each trimester had its physical trials. The first trimester was marked by perpetual nausea. Second was borderline narcoleptic exhaustion. The third trimester was the size of the belly and varying aches, pains, and edema.

By the third trimester, “Looking the part” wasn’t an option and honestly, this was a struggle by the end of my first trimester. I was furious with every available “tactical” maternity pant available. I tried every band, belt, and modification. I had outgrown the maternity pants I purchased by the early second trimester, not because of the belly band but the general weight gain. I was uncomfortable in everything. I worked with my officers, and they were fine with business casual because I was in the office. Second trimester, I mostly wore my station t-shirt, vest, or job shirt with leggings and sneakers. I looked like Winnie the Pooh in my station shirt by month 8 and officially gave up on the uniform. I didn’t have crazy foot swelling until the end, but enough to make most of my shoes and boots too small. Bending over to tie or zip boots? Forget about it.

It was hard, slowly shedding the layers of my duty uniform, which made me feel even further removed from the version of me I felt comfortable with. But I was expanding, both physically and in my identity.

Life on Light Duty

I was incredibly fortunate that I had something to work on throughout the entirety of my light duty. Our department was rolling out various elements of First Due, and I have enough computer literacy to move it in the right direction and troubleshoot with folks along the way.

Firefighters aren’t built for desk duty, so it was intimidating to see every day of the week filled with administrative tasks. But firefighters are passionate about what they do. I’m passionate about health and wellness programs, our community interactions, and our SAFE programs. Light duty was the time to get into these and help make meaningful progress for my department. Having purpose is what makes this job the best one. Re-purposing my purpose made light duty tolerable.

As you consider how you might re-purpose your purpose, ask:

  • What projects, programs, or gaps in your department could you take ownership of?
  • What have you always said you’d fix, build, or improve “if you had time?”
  • How can you use this phase to make your department better long-term?

Shifting My Mindset

I’m not just preparing for birth — I’m preparing for an identity expansion. Of course, I missed working shifts with my group, but I still got to see them a couple of times a week, and occasionally I’d stay for dinner. Of course, I felt out of the loop, watching the department change and grow from the sidelines, but I got to see the whole department change and grow. It was actually kind of nice to get to see every group (and go to sleep in my own bed every night). I got to catch up with people I never really had time to, outside of the kitchen table shift swap. I was there for folks who needed peer support that might not have gone out of their way to ask, but I happened to be there to ask them the right question at the right time.

I watched and became a part of each group’s dynamics, heard and addressed community needs, and assisted with administrative needs. A big part of helping set up First Due was learning about inspections, permits, command systems, and pre-planning. Overall, my desk time was a mini-education in fire executive leadership.

I was able to go to some training sessions and continue to expand my knowledge alongside folks on the line. It wasn’t gearing up and having a hand in the action, but I got to watch operations from next to command, or shadow the groups. I gained a bigger picture of what the crew might be going through, how I want to communicate and improve communications during an emergency, and what the traits of successful scene command and operations are.

During this transitional time, it’s helpful to ask:

  • What are you gaining in this phase — not just what you’re losing?
  • How is your perspective on leadership changing?
  • What kind of firefighter — and leader — do you want to return as?

The emotional toll that comes with the identity change is as difficult, if not more difficult, than the physical changes of becoming a mother, on or off the line. It wasn’t a black-or-white change in identity. I didn’t just expand who I am to become a mother. My pregnancy expanded my identity as a firefighter and leader, in my firehouse and in the communities that touch my life.

How is your identity expanding during your journey?